AWE-some

My friend is home after a long time.

I love her.

She understands me and all my motions perfectly. When I was lost in the stifling space of disapproval, she swam with me and saw me through the tides. She also laughed and chuckled when, at the end of a ludicrously long road, we managed to pick out the little bits of love along the way. Technology, of course, means that we talk more often than we would otherwise, but the air always tastes different when you share it with a friend.

After our brief meeting-because there can never be enough time to enjoy love- I was on my way back to a hectic space where time flies and moments are notions enjoyed only by fools.

Something was different though.

I had on me, strings of affection, kissing my heart, the way soft cotton fibers would your clothes on a windy day. It was such a light feeling, slowly feeding colour to my senses. The heat, I remember, was unforgiving but what I felt was encapsulating tenderness from nature. It was almost like I floated through streets I have often feared to walk. I saw every scent, murky and pretty, bleed into my nostrils with kindness I could never dream up.

Did I taste the architecture? Listening to the flavours build up in my mouth and explode in a delicious smile?

What was this feeling?

Bliss. Absolute bliss.

When finally, I settled into my seat, and had to respond to how I was?

‘Great’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, I am fantastic.’

‘why?’

Why are we so scared of joy? So quick to doubt delight? Here I was, enjoying every morsel of life, and being asked to validate it.

What do I say? Do I dig into lengthy detail? How do I explain the sun’s caresses on my skin? where do I find letters to spell out this new sound of my spirit? How do I describe this without understating it?

‘Just. I am fantastic because I am alive’.

‘Oh’

‘That’s right…awe’.

the trilogy (part 3)

sometimes i feel like sitting in a dark room.
no dreams.
no stars.
not a single thought- and allow the night to swallow me, suck me into its abyss of eternal black.
in that womb of darkness, i imagine myself crying,uninterrupted. not the pretty sobs that are punctuated with watchful sighs. i imagine my skin, covered, head to toe, in brutally painful songs, tearing my skin with their melodies, drawing tears from lifeless eyes and breaking my heart over and over again.
in this blanket, i imagine feeling every part of my body, and then, almost immediately, going numb.
i experience death taking over me and i am not scared.
see, fear, is flooded, doused by fierce screams.

sometimes i feel like i am all alone. like i am already in this place  where i am suffering in plain sight, with no one noticing the wounds.

when i eventually step out of my dark thoughts, the memories still haunt me. they follow me in my sleep, every time i close my eyes, crawling through my lids as shadows do through walls and closed doors.

i am alive.- but my brain carries me, ever so often, to my grave.

the trilogy (part 2)

Dear Love,

Did you sleep well last night?

Did the stars soothe you to your dreams with their enchanting patterns?

How were your dreams? Layered with exquisite colours flowing into rivers of rainbows and sunshine?

Did you scream? Did your demons seep out of their cauldrons to poison your light? The dreams; were they ominous, floating over uncertain terrain, guilt filled paths and painful wells?

Did you wake up wailing, cradling your soul trying to breath, hoping every gasp would replace the dirge replaying in your heart?

Did your eyes turn in their  sockets to reveal your empty insides-Your dark skeletal spirit moving through waves of silence?

Did you sleep soundly, peace in hand: or did you, like me, lose your soul to the night?

the trilogy (part 1)

Two years ago, a dear friend invited me to her birthday party. It was a small affair. Bossom friends, music and maybe some drinks is what she had said. Being young, i assumed this would be the worst party ever, in fact, i remember a conversation with another of the invitees discussing how ‘awkward it will be having to make conversation and listen to soft rock’ how awful!

Two years later, there is nothing i want more than descent conversation and good music.

Until recently, i have been afraid of happiness. i have been bashful of any event, that would awaken my soul. Warm embraces would be stored in the pits of the closet. Rich and colourful conversation- the kind that has you shifting in your seat excitedly or sunken in your bubble of awe- listening- have been my best kept secrets.  

I am learning though, that there exists beauty and wonder -spiralling into my spirit-in every straw of oxygen.

Past scribbles allow me the luxury of showing you how far from the thick black i have emerged.(in parts 2 and 3)

And because life is a treat...,that party, stirred a conversation that marked the beginning of one of the most beautiful relationships i have today.